Vitsar

[Dicecursor]

Här har vi en historia

 

Det var en gång då den svenska kungen träffade

den danska och den norska kungen i ett tåg

mot sverige. Då pratade alla dom 3 kungarna med varandra

ett tag. Sen sa den danska kungen.

-Fy vad det är varmt! Då öppnade den danska kungen

fönstret. Sen sa den norska kungen.

-Fy vad det är ennu varmare! Då Slängde

den norska kungen ut all vin i tåget.

Då frågade den danska och den svenska

kungen.

- Vad gör du!?

då sa den norska kungen

- Lungn vi har gott om vin i norge.

Men sen sa den svenska kungen.

-Fy Vad det är ennu ennu varmare.

Sa den svenska kungen och kastade

ut den norska och den danska kungen

genom fönstret. Då ropade dom.

-Men vad gör du!!!!!???

Då sa den svenska kungen.

-Vi har gott om invandrare i sverige.

Den var bra! :D

 

Men nu har jag en... :)

 

En berusad man snubblar ner till entrén i Grand Hôtel i Stockholm och går in i en taxi.

"Kör mig till Grand Hôtel" sa han till chauffören

"Vi är ju redan där" sa chauffören

"Bra" sa mannen och gav chauffören en sedel ur sin plånbok "men nästa gång behöver du inte köra så förbannat fort"

[WishCookie]

Här har vi en historia

 

Det var en gång då den svenska kungen träffade

den danska och den norska kungen i ett tåg

mot sverige. Då pratade alla dom 3 kungarna med varandra

ett tag. Sen sa den danska kungen.

-Fy vad det är varmt! Då öppnade den danska kungen

fönstret. Sen sa den norska kungen.

-Fy vad det är ennu varmare! Då Slängde

den norska kungen ut all vin i tåget.

Då frågade den danska och den svenska

kungen.

- Vad gör du!?

då sa den norska kungen

- Lungn vi har gott om vin i norge.

Men sen sa den svenska kungen.

-Fy Vad det är ennu ennu varmare.

Sa den svenska kungen och kastade

ut den norska och den danska kungen

genom fönstret. Då ropade dom.

-Men vad gör du!!!!!???

Då sa den svenska kungen.

-Vi har gott om invandrare i sverige.

Den var bra! :D

 

Men nu har jag en... :)

 

En berusad man snubblar ner till entrén i Grand Hôtel i Stockholm och går in i en taxi.

"Kör mig till Grand Hôtel" sa han till chauffören

"Vi är ju redan där" sa chauffören

"Bra" sa mannen och gav chauffören en sedel ur sin plånbok "men nästa gång behöver du inte köra så förbannat fort"

 

Tack :)

 

Din var också bra :)

[Gäst ihabba123]

Den här är världens sämsta skämt.

 

OBS DU MÅSTE VARA 18+ FÖR ATT LÄSA DEN!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Det var en gång en apa som inte kunde prata när han gick till sin pappa så kunde han prata :D

[Dicecursor]

@ Moonlamp: Tack :D

 

OnT:

 

 

Vad sa Adam när han fick se en fallande löv?

Svar: Titta, den osynliga mannen!

[TheGreatest]

The salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night. The farmer told him there was no vacant room.

"I could let you sleep with my daughter," the farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her."

The salesman agreed. After a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side.

The next morning he asked for his bill.

"It'll be just two dollars, since you had to share the bed," the farmer said.

"Your daughter was very cold," the salesman said.

"Yes, I know," said the farmer. "We're going to bury her today."

 

 

 

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.

The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."

The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

 

 

Srry för engelskan (jag antar att alla förstår det ändå)....men skämten är roligare på engelska :)

[Dicecursor]

De två bröderna Berg gick på en promenad. Då sa den ena:

- Ser du falken, Berg?

- Var, Berg?

[FreakyStyley]

- Varför tar det så lång tid att tvätta källarfönstrerna för en norrman?

- Vet inte

- Det tar så lång tid att gräva ner stegen

[Pelleelle]

The salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night. The farmer told him there was no vacant room.

"I could let you sleep with my daughter," the farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her."

The salesman agreed. After a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side.

The next morning he asked for his bill.

"It'll be just two dollars, since you had to share the bed," the farmer said.

"Your daughter was very cold," the salesman said.

"Yes, I know," said the farmer. "We're going to bury her today."

 

 

 

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.

The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."

The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

 

 

Srry för engelskan (jag antar att alla förstår det ändå)....men skämten är roligare på engelska :)

o... m... f... g... den andra var PERFEKT!!!! :lol:

 

[TheGreatest]

There once was a farmer who had 3 daughters who are all going out on their first date at the same time. The farmer being protective of his daughters decided to meet their suitors at the front door with a shotgun.

 

The door bell rang and the farmer answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name is Joe im here for Flo we're goin to the show. Is she ready to go?" The farmer looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

 

The next lad came and said, "My name is Eddy, im here for Betty we're gonna gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer felt this one was OK too so off the 2 kids went.

 

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name is Chuck." The farmer shot him.

 

 

 

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says happily.

A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?"

"Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47,"

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's".

 

 

 

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

 

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

 

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

 

 

 

One day Mr. A and Mr.B is going to a prostitution.

 

A : "Hey, lets get laid ! I'll pick the girl."

B : "Ok, go ahead."

 

So A pick a girl and took her to a room start getting laid. Meanwhile B is waiting outside drinking and chatting with other girls.

 

After a few moments A came out of the room so B approached him and asked...

 

B : "So ? How was it ?"

A : "Hmm... I think my wife is still better at it."

B : "Oh really ? Lemme try her then."

A : "Sure, knock yourself out."

 

So B went in the same room with the same girl and start getting laid while A waited outside.

 

After a few moments B came out of the room and A asked..

 

A : "How was it to you ?"

B : "Hmm.... you're right, your wife is better."

A :"?!?!?!?!??!?!"

[Dicecursor]

Hihi... :D

 

Mamma: Johan, du måste gå till skolan!

Johan: Jag vill inte det, lärarna hatar mig, eleverna hatar mig... alla hatar mig!

Mamma: Men du måste gå!

Johan: Varför?

Mamma: Jo, för det första du är 45 år gammal och den andra så är du rektor!

[Rhino]

En riktigt tråkig kommer här:

Alla barnen dansade på is, förutom Denise för hon släppte en fis.

 

Några till:

Alla barnen käkar Alvedon

utom Leo

han knaprar Treo.

 

Alla barnen har vita byxor

utom Linda

hon har tappat sin binda.

 

Alla barnen gick på bio

utom Lars och Linda

de är blinda.

 

Alla barnen lägger pussel på bordet

utom Abel

han lade en kabel

 

/FatBall :)

[Lynott]

The salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night. The farmer told him there was no vacant room.

"I could let you sleep with my daughter," the farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her."

The salesman agreed. After a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side.

The next morning he asked for his bill.

"It'll be just two dollars, since you had to share the bed," the farmer said.

"Your daughter was very cold," the salesman said.

"Yes, I know," said the farmer. "We're going to bury her today."

 

 

 

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.

The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."

The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

 

 

Srry för engelskan (jag antar att alla förstår det ändå)....men skämten är roligare på engelska :)

JHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA DEN ANDRA VAR f*n 10/10